GET YOUR GUACS OFF!

The gauntlet was tossed, the gloves thrown down, the booger flicked. Okay, maybe that last one is a little esoteric, but in my world, that's a definite declaration of war.
Coming off a visit to the Cox-Toyota compound here in West Culver during which my homemade guacamole was a big hit, my cherished friend Colin invited me, Jae, and Kylie to his Memorial Day BBQ, and challenged me to a "guaca-duel," a "guaco-y-guaco showdown," a "guac-off" (maybe we haven't quite come up with the best name for it yet. Your ideas are appreciated.) I accepted, and took all my fresh ingredients to the Valley. I was confident. After all, for those who do not know my guacamole, know this:

Christ fed the multitudes because he used it as a side dish.
A bowl of it was discovered in the refrigerator of Dorian Gray.
No one has ever actually seen it made.
When asked if they had taken it into space with them, the astronauts said, "No --- we brought it back."
The Mayans once went out in search of something better. They've never returned.

Onions cry because they are not in it.
The old woman who lived in the shoe was alone and celibate until she shared it with the sixth fleet on her 60th birthday.
It is...the most delicious guacamole in the world.

"I don't always eat guacamole -- but when I do, it's Rock-a-mole, made by that guy Rob, who does the nice thing with the lime and cilantro, which I loooove, and then some other stuff with a secret ingredient that I don't understand, but I don't care, I just eat it; it's good, you'll see, you'll like it too, I think."

So there I toiled in the kitchen, cutting, chopping. mashing, dashing, sipping (secret ingredient, anyone?) stirring, dolloping, grinding, and sipping a little more until I was summoned to "Come get my beating."

Long story short (I know, "Who am I, and what have I done with Rob Cox?") -- You don't have to be a disgraced, de-frocked, convicted felon of an NBA official to have predicted that HOME PATIO ADVANTAGE would result in the nearly unanimous vote favoring Colin's "avocado-based dip" over my "Rock-a-Mole," Do I sound bitter?

Truth is, Colin's was good -- chunky and mild (not unlike the man himself -- and we love him for both those reasons). All in all, it was very different from mine, and guests knew whose guac was whose (we agreed it should be a blind test next time) but when the chips fell, I stood thoroughly vanquished. The fact that Kylie favored mine made me feel a little better, as did the "secret ingredient" I had been sipping while making my guac.

On a day when the Phillies lost possession of first place in the National League East and the Flyers lost Game 2 of the NHL Stanley Cup Finals, I took my beating like the bitter third of the "tri-f@#$-ta" that it was. Unlike some Philly fans, however, I did not conk Colin over the head with a bottle of Belvedere, taze him, throw up on him, or even "boo" him. I simply savored the great assortment of grilled meats that are ubiquitous at any Colin Campbell-hosted function, watched Kylie flutter around in the swimming pool like the tiny puffer fish she is, and vowed someday to have my revenge.

Because a man bent on revenge is always more interesting.

Stay hungry my friends.

DADDY-BROUGHT-TO-ME-BY-AT&T, WHAT DID YOU DO?

From the days when a brash young nation revolted over not having a say in how their taxes were spent -- to the dismantling of monopolies during the early 20th century -- from the creation of labor unions -- to our continued fight today to support a free internet, Americans have always wanted the voices of truth to be heard. We have fought and died to protect democracy, the right of every individual to be heard fairly, on an even plane. Today, as news organizations create "duopolies," and we stand choice-less in the wreckage of deregulation, we must fight again to protect the even playing field of the internet. Without this fight, those with the most money (read: Exxon, AT&T, Bank of America, et. al.) will control the voice of the internet, and label as truth what they will. Those who would sacrifice this bold new form of democratic expression think only of the short-term profit potential. To those, I say, "Careful what you wish for. Putting yourself at the top of search lists will provide consumers a clear and useful list of companies to avoid. You saw what the internet did for Obama." When this fight is done, I do not want to hear my daughter ask me, "When the corporate powers killed the truth, what did you do?" And when she has to decide what's best for her children, and what best to protect our democracy, I don't want her choices to come only from those with the most money. Protect Net Neutrality. It's right to do.
PLEASE GO TO https://secure.freepress.net/site/Advocacy?cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=356 AND BE HEARD AS WELL.

Michael Jackson Lunacy Legacy

At the risk of paving my own "fast-lane" to hell, denigrating the deceased, and particularly ignoring all the humanitarian causes to which Michael Jackson gave his time and money, I offer this column.
While avoiding accidents along the 110 Freeway, one can see the giant, electric sign outside Staples Center advertising car wrecks within: "Oasis," "Britney Spears," "The Clippers," and of course, "The Kings."
But at least these performers had a pulse.
Less than one month after our cash-starved city paid for the Lakers parade, we're footing the bill for a Staples Center memorial service for a pop star who did as much to feed the world's children as he did to feed the world's impression that Los Angeles is the universal capital of narcissism, ego-mania and idiocy (better luck next year "misplaced priorities.")
Even more peculiar than Jackson himself is the dual role of AEG as the promoter of the 2009 Jackson tour that wasn't (spelling tens, if not hundreds of millions of dollars in losses), and as the owner of Staples Center, which will collect payment from the city and fans for today's service. So, the Forum, Hollywood Bowl, Coliseum, etc, weren't available today? Or how about a nice, private service with mournful fans paying an entrance fee to Neverland? Could have off-set some of MJ's debts, or better: raised money for some of those children's causes Jackson seemed to care so much about. I see the clear line connecting Jackson and AEG - they already had a relationship; the contacts were already in place to make this memorial service happen quickly, but what involvement did the city have in closing this deal - and at what cost to its residents?
Never mind that aside from his years as the prodigious Jackson Five front-tot, Jackson's artistic work has been, to me, mediocre, and his human-as-living-catastrophe performance art piece of a life, well, just that. If boring, pointless, absurdities like "Billie Jean," "Bad," and "Beat It" (Q: "Who's bad?" A: Uh, not you, dude.) didn't take Michael Jackson off my pop art radar, then certainly, deciding not to be black, or a man, or even human anymore took him off my reality-scope (any singer, especially one who has had such immense success as Jackson, would be insane to reconstruct the acoustics of his or her instrument, a key component of which, would be his or her nasal passages. It would be like Elton John saying, "On my next record and tour, no singing, and I'll only play the bag pipes." It just wouldn't be his billion-dollar sound anymore. A bold choice, but not necessarily the one that gives the people - or ticket sellers what they want).
And let's not even talk about the accusations. That dimension of the Jackson lunacy (legacy? Lunacy.) is just not anything I have time or energy to include in my life.
The bottom line is simply this: while teachers are being laid off, and city programs suffering mortal cutbacks, the City of Los Angeles can not, and should not afford to cover today's events.
I'm not saying that those who enjoyed Jackson's work should not be allowed to spend money on paying tribute to him. Hell, buy all the "King of Pop" souvenir soda bottles and sequined gloves as you can carry -- keep the wheels of commerce churning. But don't force me (just in case it's not yet clear: I was not a fan) or the children of Los Angeles to suffer the financial burden of this latest collision of life, art and absurdity along the 110 Freeway.

Have a FABULOUS 4th!

Look! I haven't piped up for a couple of months now - but I feel the need to speak out on this day for this reason - so it must be important, huh?
The topic: Repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."
One good reason to do it is that it's just plain stupid. And when stupid policies reign, only the truly moronic may participate in their execution (this explains much of the Bush cabinet). But let me try to give another (although not better) reason than this.

Today is the day we commemorate the American victory in her against-all-odds fight for independence against a much better-armed, trained and more numerous British military. It was a true victory for the will of the people -- all people -- to be free. Farmers and fishermen, teachers and preachers, the well heeled and the shoeless took up arms and stood shoulder to shoulder to defend their right to self-determination. There was no time to ask the fellow beside you whether he practiced the same sexual habits at home as you did - a well-fed, dressed and organized battalion of Red Coats was less than 100 yards away with brand-new, reliable Brown Bess muskets aimed at you.
It was on this day that John Hancock signed Jefferson's document declaring that "all men are created equal." Blacks, who were originally banned from revolutionary forces, were ultimately accepted by General George Washington, when he realized winning an American future was more important that preserving past prejudice.
Despite hatred that persists in this country even today, blacks and whites live, fight, worship and celebrate alongside one another in pedestrian fashion.
It is long-past time for us to make these same strides in recognizing the contributions of gay Americans to our heritage, our social fabric and our future.
Like black Americans who fought for freedom under the stars and stripes, so too, do gay Americans put their lives on the line to protect not just gay-freedom, but freedom - yours and mine.
Anyone not willing to stand along-side any other American and defend our liberty in the face of oppression, is not fit to enjoy that liberty won.
Join with me in celebrating today our liberty, our self-determination, our autonomy - our freedom to be Americans, gay, straight, black, white, Asian, Latino, indigenous - and in commemorating the bravery and selflessness of those to whom we owe our gratitude. They are all stars in our great history, be they of any stripe.
Happy Fourth of July

B/C Blogging is Just 2 Cerebral

Here it is, the further disintegration of Western Civilization (although most who engage in its most popular practices are unable to define what exactly is that thing they are destroying, namely "Western Civilization"), this time by me, as I post my FaceBook "badge" on my blog. Cuz, u know, FB is ezr - writing cogent essays, paragraphs, satire takes actual thought.
Take a real writer, like New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd. I read yesterday's column (you guessed it - airplane reading: Chicago to L.A.), thinking, "Reading the Op/Ed section of the "Times" means I am holding in my hands pure evidence that society is still intact. Dowd's column, however, bemoaning the evils of "Twitter" was just another reminder of the flames that seem to be engulfing us as we speak (if any of us actually does "speak" anymore; I was told yesterday of one 18-year-old freely admitting to a friend that he had sent "13,000 texts last month," and that indeed, he only uses his phone for veritable conversation "once or twice, to talk to [his] mom.")
So here it is, if these SEN-TEN-CES, PAR-A-GRAPHS, God forbid I use the word "ES-SAYS" are too much for you, please check out the even less interesting and even worse-written (are these things possible?! You must find out!), check out my Facebook page.
BFN!

Bong Hit of Champions

So Michael Phelps got caught doing a bong hit. So a 14-time Olympic Gold Medalist with more pressure on him than the scale on “Biggest Loser” took a hit of weed during a four-month break from swimming. So maybe the guy who graces Wheaties boxes would be more at home fronting “Weedies – Wake and Bake of Champions.” So what?! Yes, that’s right. So what! Like you have any idea what it is to cope with being Michael Phelps. Like you have any idea how to wind up that machine to do what it does against all comers, and win, and then keep yourself human while winding it down. Like you’ve never smoked weed. If you’re reading this, you’re high right now.

The fact that Phelps even apologized for his "youthful behavior," almost strikes me as strange. Smoking weed should not be "youthful behavior," but rather "adult behavior." He's 23. He's an adult. If he wants to do a hit of weed, he should be allowed to do a hit of weed. It's doubtful Phelps is a regular pot-head, and more likely that he only smoked during his four-month break from swimming. He won EIGHT FREAKING GOLD MEDALS at the Beijing Olympics, and now it's time to relax -- just a little?! And say he does smoke weed all the time. SO WHAT? Marijuana is certainly not a performance-enhancing drug. On the contrary, any pot head who gets up the steam necessary to turn off Hogan's Heroes (even if it's just to switch over to Robot Chicken - dude, that show is so high!) to do anything else, let alone swim more races faster than any human in history -- in front of the entire planet -- in a Speedo has my respect. If I'm another swimmer, I'm saying "Thank you, Michael! Take another hit. Anything to let one of the rest of us have a freaking chance at beating you for once -- I'm all for it!"
Let's be honest. Smoking weed is nearly a victimless crime. The only people in danger because of weed are those who suffer the wrath of drug traffickers who must operate in illegality. All the more reason to legalize it. Then, production, distribution and sales all become regulated and as safe as a walked-in run.
And here's more truth: Speedo, Omega, Hilton Hotels, Kellogg's, General Foods, Visa, Power Bar, AT&T, Rosetta Stone, Pure Sport and Swim Room all get this simple fact: no one thinks doing one hit of weed is all that bad. It doesn't tarnish Phelps' image or the image of the sponsor. Answer this: are you more likely, less likely or as likely as you were two weeks ago to purchase any of the products Phelps endorses? I'm betting you are probably saying "as likely as you were two weeks ago," although the truth is that this press is that sort of "any press is good press" press, and Phelps has done nothing more than what those companies want him to do: create a little buzz.

The Cardinals Should Have Won That Game

An anti-climactic headline, perhaps, but it's true. The day after Super Bowl XLIII, I'm left thinking two things, the first of which is, "Man, the Cardinals looked like the Eagles out there," and when one thinks that one has seen the Eagles, or a reasonable facsimile thereof, one is usually also left thinking, "Wow, they should have won that game!"

How did the Cardinals look like the Eagles? With an effective defense that was able to keep them in the game, and a sputtering offense that failed to appear for the first 25 minutes of the game, and then committed cardinal errors (pun totally intended!) at the absolute worst times, like, say on first and goal from the two with 18 seconds remaining in the half, and then again with fifteen seconds left in the game, when the Cardinal front line simply did not protect their man.

On top of that, the officiating crew may well have ended the game on an incomplete pass. You don't take two minutes to review the last meaningful play of the SUPER BOWL?! If I'm the commissioner, I tell the crew: do not end the game on a judgement call. Let the players settle it. If it's close, err on the side of play.

I'm not blaming Kurt Warner; there's not a lot more he could have done -- and yeah, yeah, "Hall of Fame quarterback, blah, blah, blah." But it was a terrible decision by Warner to throw that ball straight into the arms of James Harrison. (Hats off to James Harrison, who I'm told, has overcome great adversity. I looked it up and I have to agree: being the first president to die in office can be a set-back to one's Super Bowl aspirations. Good work, James!) And not a great decision by Warner to allow himself to be playfully cast aside on the run-back of said errant throw. As my friend Marc aptly said, "That's a 14-point turnaround. If the Cardinals score on that series, they go into halftime up 14-10" and receiving the ball in the third quarter, I'll add. And add to that: first and goal from the two with 18 seconds! You've got three plays at least -- and there's no way you want to come away (an underdog, mind you) with less than a field goal in this situation. Awful play. Cost the game.


Of course, both my and Marc's expert analysis came at game's end, too late to do any good. Oh, and I also hear, too late, that it was William Harrison who did the Oval Office Deep Six, contrary to James' Tampa Bay Pick Six, for which he'll reap returns during contract negotiations to rival those of the not-so-famous McKinley Tax Act, enacted by William's grand-son, president Benjamin Harrison. But I digress.

The Cardinals should have won that game!

Like the Eagles in the NFC Championship Game, the Cards failed to show for the first half. See, that could be another headline:
CARDS FAIL TO SHOW

And it's apt because it may have been the Cardinals plan to "hide" Larry Fitzgerald during the first half, and then surprise the Steelers with him in the second half. Now, I can't believe Arizona would do that -- that's just stupid. But the Eagles do stupid stuff, like not double-covering Larry Fitzgerald; if the Cardinals are impersonating the Eagles, maybe they do stupid stuff, too! Either way, Fitzgerald was almost the MVP of this game, and definitely appears to be on his way down a long road to Canton if he continues to play the way he did this season. And he appeared fully ready, when the ball was thrown his way, to single-handedly take this game away from the Pittsburgh Steelers. Instead, a final-seconds interception left that dream unfulfilled.

Cardinals should have won that game.

Not to take anything away, of course, from the SIXTH TIME NFL SUPER BOWL CHAMPION, PITTSBURGH STEELERS. Ben Roethlisberger was stellar. A big man, who carried the team's destiny on his shoulders. Santonio Holmes' catch to put the Steelers ahead for good was a Lynn Swan caliber moment. His headline could be:
HOLMES DELIVERS K.O. BLOW
STEELERS WIN RECORD SIXTH SUPER BOWL

Here are some other potential headlines that crossed the shallow waters of my stream of consciousness:

If you're in Phoenix:
STEEL CURTAIN CALL FOR WARNER
Cards QB loses encore Super Bowl

If you're in Pittsburgh:
BEN AGAIN!
Steelers Win Second Super Bowl in Four Years Behind Roethlisberger

If you're me:
EAGLES FAIL TO WIN SUPER BOWL BY FAILING TO BEAT THE CARDINALS IN NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
or, simply:
CARDINALS SHOULDA WON THAT GAME