Cleanse Day Twelve

Maybe it's because I see the buffet at the end of the tunnel, but I'm feeling as if I could incorporate the concept of the fast into my life on a more regular basis. (Even single-day fasts have cleansing powers, as the body uses its energy detoxifying, rather than digesting.) I was actually thinking yesterday as I drove that maybe I'd fast one day a week from now on.  Then, last night, the host of our "Yes We Can" Obama-watching event said that he fasts one day each week and it's had more than a physical impact on him; that he looks at food and life a little differently now.  One day a week may sound a little frequent to my burrito-loving belly, but the seed is planted; we'll see what sprouts.   First, however, let's get through today:  I did not do the salt water flush -- the impact of which should be obvious.  Today's menu consists of fruit and vegetable juices.  Jae (who is one day ahead of me; she decided to advance to the "cool down" stage after nine days) suggested that the fruit juice was rough on her stomach.  

Speaking of getting through the day, there was another spread at the event last night, replete with pizza, brownies, cookies, biscotti and other temptations.  I will not publicly indict Jae here, but there was one slice of pizza slice and a cookie for which I cannot otherwise account by connecting each bit of food consumed to its respective attendee.  Later, at home, I had about a dozen pieces of popcorn.  Air popped, salt-, oil-, sugar- (but certainly not flavor-) free.  

I have not been exercising during this cleanse, although more than once, I have felt as though I could.  We have taken walks, and I have swum, and of course taken care of Kylie, which can be a workout in itself -- but no visits to the gym.

A refreshed approach to diet and a regular exercise regimen must be central components of our daily lives beginning tomorrow.  Right after I eat.

Cleanse Day EleVeN?!

As with all horrible things, the end is never really the end, and the ordeal continues in new incarnation. With the Master Cleanse, it means that upon completing the ten days of the actual "cleanse," (or the 14 days, if you're really going by the book) the scant lemon-juice/maple syrup/cayenne pepper concoction is simply replaced for one day by orange juice. A gallon of orange juice (actually, a half-gallon of fresh squeezed O.J. mixed with a half-gallon of purified water) with a couple of spoons-full of the maple syrup.
[For the record: Any time maple syrup is one of the only three things you consume in a day -- it's not good.]
I still did the flush this morning. This will have been my last day for the flush. Good riddance to all the toxins and nasty build-up with which it dispensed. And good riddance to it as well. It is the devil-baby that you should throw out with the (toxin-laden) bathwater.
I've noticed I've been chewing the inside of my mouth a bit over the past few days; something I always do when I'm not eating properly. To me, this is a sign that the Master Cleanse has pushed my nutritional envelope about as far as is appropriate.
Jae tempted me last night with some pop-corn. The last day of the cleanse (per se) and she purposely waved a bowl of delicious smelling air popped pop corn in front of my face, thus proving correct the assertion of British philosopher Robert Plant that indeed, the "soul of a woman was created be-LOWWWWWW!" Naturally, I resisted her wiles and blog before you today a man with his self-respect intact. Starving, but dignified.
Jae and I (and Kylie) will be attending a MoveOn.org pro-Obama event tonight, gathering with like-minded folks to watch his speech at the DNC in Denver, where there will be more tempting dishes than pop corn. Not sure which dessert we're taking -- I'm trying to think up something thematic -- oh, take it easy, you who just thought, "How about Oreo Pie, to celebrate Obama's half-black, half-white heritage." That's inappropriate. Of course, we would eat it with utensils of plastic, to honor Biden's ties to the credit card industry. Probably shouldn't mock the candidates at the pro-ticket gatherning, huh? Okay, so I'll have to keep thinking. Being a Delawarean, myself, I'll likely be writing more about Joe in the weeks ahead.
But back to Day EleVeN. Already thinking about Day twelve, when I get an assortment of fruit and vegetable juices, followed by a day of solid fruits and veggies, and then, on Sunday, back to pizza and beer. Well, maybe I'll hold off a bit on that. The cleanse has had clearly positive effects. To reverse it all, after going through so much would truly be horrible.

Cleanse Day TEN!

My goal was TEN DAYS, and I've made it -- so far. I have a little breakfast meeting in about a half-hour, at one of my favorite spots - a restaurant attached to the bowling alley a block away (should I include this information? Now, the FBI would be able to locate me using the power of deduction. Or is my nutrition-depleted state of paranoia getting the better of me? Keep it cool, Spidey...oh, yeah, the government has my address -- how else would I get MY MAIL?!) Back to whatever this is.
Like most things in life, and I'm talking about phenomena here, not noumena (look that one up, suckers!) the joy I feel of being at the finish line of the cleanse is fully tempered by the reality that tomorrow I get to switch to orange juice (only -- and diluted at that), followed by a day of fruit juice, and then a day of fruits and vegetables only. So I will not be able to have a regular (what you on your planet call a) meal until Sunday. Today is Wednesday.
But it's for my health. To un-do the extreme insult of processed foods, chemicals and sugars, we must undertake extreme measures.
I'm glad I've done (am doing) this. Imagine if we all fasted for ten days to rid our national body of its toxins -- the entire Republican Party would vanish to be replaced by fresh, organic fruits and vegetables brought home in canvas bags and the remains duly composted when having satisfied their use. Day(s) ten, (eleven, twelve, thirteen and beyond,) here I come.

Cleanse Day Nine

So why am I doing this again?

Here's why:  because so much of what we eat is processed or laden with chemicals -- and doesn't digest well (or at all) and over time, our digestive tract becomes lined with leftovers.  The works get clogged up, simply put.  This cleanse is just a way of stopping the onslaught and cleaning up the joint.  As we get older, this becomes a more important enterprise, as toxins can cause cancer and other diseases (that's probably how we lost Sasha too soon).  So I'm on board with keeping a clean ship, inside and out.  

The notion that cleanses are the practice of hippies and fruitcakes is short-sighted.  (Not that I've never been accused of being, or associated with either of the two afore-mentioned groups -- voters and tax-payers every one of 'em.)  Indeed, there is likely a spiritual aspect to the cleanse.  A cleaner temple may indeed lead to holier prayer.  If you went to your church (if you go) and you found the place in disarray, wouldn't you want something done?  Why?  Same reasons apply to your body.  (Those who said "It just isn't right," please take this moment to think it through just a bit more -- I'll supply the music; how about Brian Eno's "Music for Airports").

So today is day nine.  Mom asked whether I'm lethargic.  "No, just hungry," I answered.

Today is Kylie's 2nd birthday.   Jae and I woke her up with "Happy Birthday" (the check's in the mail, two little old ladies in New Jersey) and a tiny cupcake with a single candle.  She was so excited.  She has her two-year well-check with her doctor in an hour, and after that -- fun with Daddy day -- Mommy's working on some promo for the NFL.  Did I mention, I'm hungry?

Cleanse Day Beloidia

Not to say I'm weakening, or that the lack of quality nutrition has any sorreanic plopecia del cromulence -- ahhh, la cromulence -- it's so simultaneously tingly and warm on my spine -- on my mental stability, but I am beginning to frebeck some altatroid miffelsots this morning. "Always, no sometimes think it's me, but you know I know and it's a dream. I think I know, I mean, ah, yes, but it's all wrong. That is, I think I disagree."
Yesterday was the hardest day. Jae and I took Kylie to see Bravo the amazing counting dog at the Magic Castle. We got there too late to see the 12:15 show, so we hung around for the 1:15 show. The extra hour did a number on Kylie -- took her into nap time, except without the nap -- which means with an extra dose of fidgety-ness. Jillian came out to see us before the show and took us in first so Bravo could see me and get our mutual affection out of the way and so Kylie could also settle in. Good plan. Lasted 20 seconds. Kylie seemed on her way to loving the show, but she couldn't keep quiet (which seems an odd requisite for a kid-oriented show, but this one is a bit different; Bravo does require calm so he can focus on his performance. As he goes forward, I'm sure he'll be able to do it while disregarding kids in the audience. Thing is, he's still a great dog who loves people and wants to pay attention to them. Would we really want anything different from a dog?) so I took her out of there. At which point, Bravo cocked his ear back listening for me outside the door, rather than paying attention to the act, so Jillian asked Jae if she would mind switching places with me, so maybe Bravo would be more at ease. OK. Once inside, Bravo seemed happy to see me (as I was happy to see him) and he performed with aplomb. Afterwards, we went to the next parlor over and watched another show, with comic magician (forget his name, but he was brilliant). Also in the audience was a British couple and their one-year-old, Charlotte, who had only made it through about three minutes more of Bravo's show than we had. Kylie loved Charlotte and split her attention between the show and Charlotte.
Then it was on to a baby shower for friends, Blake and Alicia Cox (no relation, but deserving of a section within the Cox Section.
Our hosts were Carolyn and Sam Baer, owners of Cheers catering. So you know the food was amazing. And plenty of delicious drinks! This made Sunday the hardest day by -- well, let's say Sunday was Usain Bolt and the next hardest day was the USA Men's 4x100 relay team. Yeah, like that. The difference between beating everybody by 10 meters and dropping the freaking baton. Noodleheads.
Hardest day today.

Cleanse Day Seven

Day Seven

First up on our agenda today:  Brunch at the Magic Castle and a magic show featuring my friend Jillian and her amazing dog Bravo (www.mydogbravo.com) who does math using playing cards and flash cards.  Bravo truly is an incredible dog.  He fell in love at first sight with Sasha, and it was sweet to see how she tried to inconspicuously display her own affection for him, while remaining un=have-able in her own mind. Anyway, we'll not be having the brunch, of course, but we will see Jillian and Bravo perform.  I think Kylie will love it!  After that, a baby shower for friends and colleagues Blake and Alicia (hosted by another catering company owner, Carolyn; man, did I pick the wrong ten days to do this or what?)  and we'll finish up the evening with a free concert at the Getty Museum.  Jae told me last night that the permissible menu for our first day after the cleanse -- Day Eleven, so to speak -- consists of orange juice instead of the lemonade concoction we're currently imbibing.  Day Twelve allows fruit juices of all kinds and Day Thirteen allows fruits and vegetables.  So our "ten day" concept actually does come out to nearly the 14 days prescribed within the traditional "Master Cleanse."  Oh, by the way, my jeans are a little loose, but I seem to look pretty much the same in the mirror, handle-wise. 

Day Six

Jae and I drop off Kylie with our friends Marc and Tanya and their daughter Eridani, and we go off to work with our friends Michel and Ulrika (who is due in October, I believe, with their first -- a girl!)  Michel and Ulrika own their own catering company.  We arrive and see others we know: Carol, Eva and Caesar in the kitchen.  This food is going to be off the hook, incredible.  Sure enough: hors d'oeuvres include the brie, walnut and mango quesadilla, shrimp diablo with a lemon aioli sauce, crabcakes with creme fraiche, etc.  The main course was served from a live pasta bar with Harvey cooking up pasta mixtures for each guest as they came through the line to his station.  This was a tough night.  But not so tough that either of us collapsed or gave up -- tough in that again, we have a human compulsion to be enticed by our sense of smell to grab what it is that emits the odor and throw it in our mouths.  I check-swung more last night than Barry Bonds with a 3-0 count (that was awful; clearly this cleanse has rinsed me of my comic gift).  But the truth is: there is a purpose to this quest.  It shall be achieved.  It's just no fun to be around great food while you're making it happen.

Day Five

The half-way point.  Jae and I started talking about what we'd eat when we ate.  Of course, the conversations always began with pizza and ended with asparagus.  We vow to get back to the healthier diet that we have followed in the past.  I've learned that going out -- yes, even to Trader Joe's to shop for Kylie's food -- is a great way to pass the time without eating.  I've imparted this discovery to Jae.  Later in the evening, we make a quick stop at Whole Foods (who can afford to stay in that place for more than a few minutes?  Oh yeah, John McCain.) and Jae decides I am wrong.  Admittedly, they have a lot of great smelling foods at Whole Foods.  

Day Four

Going strong.  Hungry?  Of course, but this liquid concoction does put something in one's belly (the maple syrup gives the needed sugar to provide energy) but I do have the basic human compulsion to EAT.  That's what we do, after all: we take tangible items from our environment and put them in our mouths and crush them up with our teeth and swallow them.  My teeth, I lament, are a bit bored with this whole thing.  Jae is struggling, but strong.  Together, we shall prevail!

Master of My Domain

Jae and I like to do it at the same time; it helps and it's more fun. Now, we are going head to head, so to speak, to determine how long we can go without indulging. So far, it's been three days and I'm teetering on instability. I've told Jae that I can't wait to watch her go first. Okay, now that I've adequately tantalized you, I'll come clean (no pun intended). Of course, I'm talking about our latest attempt at the Master Cleanse, a 14-day diet of consuming nothing but a liquid concoction of water, lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper. Go to http://mastercleansesecrets.com/step3.php to read about it and get the recipe. It's designed to rid the body of the toxins and undigested food that store up in most of us due to eating processed foods and consuming proteins and carbs simultaneously, inhibiting digestion. Jae and I are doing it together; it's our second attempt in six years. We both believe we should do it more often than this, maybe even twice a year. There are varying opinions visible on the web. I've been too distracted to make entries on the first two days, but here's what they would have looked like had I done them:

MASTER CLEANSE, DAY ONE

I am not the most eager, but I'm going to see how long I can go. First time, we wound up making it two days before we decided to add a morning protein shake to the regimen. This time, we've decided to go for 10 days. I probably should have psyched myself up more for this, but so far, I've had a little hunger in the first part of the day, but I seem to be doing okay without food. I even had to drink a bunch of the lemonade late at night because I hadn't gone through it during the day.

MASTER CLEANSE, DAY TWO

Today is the first day of adding the morning salt water flush to the routine. Go to

http://www.cleansingorsurgery.com/saltwaterflush.htm

to read about it and get the simple recipe. Basically, you add two teaspoons of coarse sea salt -- not table salt -- to 30 ounces of water, and drink it down. Warm water dissolves the salt better, but do what you want. You will want to stay in or very near a restroom for about an hour. Do this every morning that you're doing the cleanse.

I felt a little nauseous after drinking the salt water, but that's normal. The rest of the day went pretty well, except I felt so weak and lightheaded that it made concentrating on anything difficult. This might not be the most practical thing for someone who really needs to be mentally sharp the whole day (i.e. most of us). But I shall not falter.

MASTER CLEANSE, DAY THREE

Headaches usually fade by day three, and sure enough, the headache that I felt the first two days have dissipated. Today, I'm just hungry. I went shopping today to buy food for Kylie: fish sticks, bananas, macaroni and cheese, blueberries, a bunch of other delicious stuff, but I was okay. And cooking for her and Sammy (medication to curb his recent itching may be giving him diarrhea, so I made him chicken, rice, carrots and fish oil for dinner) wasn't so bad. Biggest problem is the unconscious impulse to pop stuff in my mouth while I'm working with food. Day three, I'd say is going okay, but man, we're not even near the half-way point yet. Too early to be thinking about the finish line. Maybe I should think more about my basic motivation: getting back into the kind of shape that will make Jae (and others) want to...well, that's for another blog.

Buy Me Peanuts and Cracker Jack! Just make sure it's from a roving vendor and not a concession stand, or I may never see you again, my darling.

It's hard to imagine that it's taken the Dodgers half a century in Los Angeles to be this bad. Oh, they won the game -- indeed they swept the visiting Philadelphia Phillies with an impressive 3-1 win, holding the Phils to what, two hits?

[Having grown up a split-personality Phillies and Dodgers fan, I have mixed feelings about coming to see my two teams fight it out. I want to cheer for them both, but on a certain level (the one on which I am a completely irrational sports fan) I believe that you can't have two teams: "You're a grown %@#*ing man; pick one, and shut up about it." And how am I going to raise my daughter? I'll expose her to the Phils, of course, but she's an Angeleno; it's only natural that the Dodgers should be her first option. But back to how the Dodgers (concessions) suck.]

It's not the Dodgers; it's the Dodger organization. And it's not the whole Dodger organization; it's the part of the organization that charges $15 for parking and then inadequately identifies rows and sections of the parking lot, and sells seats identified with the terms "section," "row" and "seat" and then posts signage in the parking lot (ostensibly designed to help fans find their seats) that uses the term "aisle." "Huh?! Screw it, let's just go this way." Which we did -- and we found our way very easily, just as we found our car without much trouble after the game. So what's my gripe? Here's my gripe, mister: I went to the nearest concession stand at 8:15pm (I think it was the 4th inning) and waited in line until 8:55pm. During that time, I watched Nomar Garciaparra hit a home run (on a monitor the same size as the one I have at home, except I was twice the distance from it as I am at home). I would have loved to have shared that exciting Dodger moment with my daughter, as I would have loved to have shared the singing of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" with her, too. (Word is, she was incredibly cute.) To add insult to injury, other vendors walked by announcing their wares and boasting "No lines!" I told the CFK guy that I'd buy his pizza, if he could also get me two Dodger Dogs, two beers and some pop corn." The expression on his face told me that he'd suddenly realized I wasn't as amused with my predicament as he was. The second time he came by with the same pitch line, I half-heartedly accused him of mocking us queue captives. It's not that the service people were the worst; they were somewhere just ahead of the folks at the DMV. But the keg ran out on my order. And there were no napkins in the dispenser. I had to find some on my own. Again -- not the main problem, but a symptom of it. The organization that made it so easy for me to pay $15 for parking by offering an online payment operation couldn't accomplish the feat of getting two hot dogs, two beers and a bag of pop corn in my hands and have me back in my seat and enjoying the game with -- indeed, making a Dodger-fan-for-life of -- my two year old daughter in less than 40 minutes. Atrocious.

So, is that it? Too long a wait in the hot dog line? Not a word about the actual game? Truth is, I didn't see enough of the game to have much to say about it. Exept this: When Dodger fans half-heartedly booed the Phils intentional walk of Manny Ramirez in the 8th, all the Philadelphia fan in me could think was, "Amatuers. Boo Santa. Boo the kids dressed as the Sixers at the Ice Skating World Championships. Boo Mike Schmidt. Then you can boo the an intentional walk that even T-Ball manager would have called for (can you walk in T-Ball? I guess if the T literally waddles away from you.)

Bottom line: Dodgers 3, Phils 1, me and my family experience at the ball park 0. Upon returning from my ordeal, I commented, "It ain't no Big A, that's for sure." Anyone who has been to both stadiums (and really, shouldn't it be "stadia?") can tell you that one is all about the family experience and one lags behind. One team is run like the Dodgers of old, and the other ages you 30 years while waiting in line for concessions. You may have won the inning, Mr. McCourt, but you are certainly losing the game.